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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  July 18, 2012 10:00am-10:35am PDT

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(cheers and applause) >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00,
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here it is, your moment of zen. >> i really don't want to be in a public eye anymore and feel a certain sense of liberation not being out there. >> you like it better? captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) welcome to the "report," everybody! thank you for joining us! thank you so much. (audience chanting "stephen")
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(cheers and applause) wow! thank you so much. folks nation, you know years and billions of dollars our presidential election is going to come down to a few undecided voters in key swing states. the fate of our country now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register mcdonald's. (laughter) and one-- one of those key swing states is nevada where, since 1978 their presidential election ballot gives voters the option to choose "none of the above." (laughter) but now, folks, the nevada republican party has gone to court to have "none of the above" taken off the ballot because, as the "national
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journal" put it, in nevada none is a fearsome foe for the g.o.p. (laughter) that's right. nevada republicans are scared that "none of the above" could take votes from mitt romney. (laughter) and, folks, i tell you, i think they've got grounds here. remember, mitt's not tells us how he's going to fix the economy or what tax loopholes he's going to close or what his immigration policy is going to be. the whole message of his campaign is "i'm not barack obama!" (laughter) and you can't get more not barack obama than no one. (laughter) and, folks, this guy... this guy right here, he's got the conservative credentials that romney lacks. i mean, you want to talk small government, this guy believes in none government. (laughter) here's what i think romney's got to do. "none of the above" is so appealing to republican voters i
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believe mitt romney has got to choose him as his running mate. (laughter) i mean, look at who he's considering now. portman, pawlenty and jindal? they wish they had the charisma of none of the above! (laughter) although, of course, i cannot say for sure that none of the above would even accept the v.p. slot because despite repeated calls, he has not made himself available to the press. which kind of makes you wonder if there's nothing he's not hiding. (laughter) of course, even a political powerhouse like none of the above may not help mitt win the youth vote. which romney is presently losing to obama by 17 points! and i don't have to tell you what that means. unless you're one of those young people, in which case i do have to tell you. but i'm sure you won't listen to it unless i do in the a text or a sext or a sex interest or whatever. (laughter) it means this. it means we conservatives are
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lose control the youth. because the younglings don't share our fundamental values. according to recent polls, 63% of these punks support gay marriage and 31% of them doubt the existence of god. probably that poll was taken after they saw their student loan statements. (laughter) folks, this is infuriating. as a parent, i expect my children to act and think exactly as i do. and for a while they did. but then they turned three and stopped having tantrums and vomiting on themselves. (laughter) thankfully, someone has finally found a way to bring our kids back into the conservative fold and it brings us to tonight's word. (cheers and applause) on the straight and narrow minded. folks, i've said since day one of this show the minds of our young people are being poisoned
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by knowledge. (laughter) and the source of this toxic cerebral sludge is our schools. they fill our kids' heads with dangerous concepts like every electrocution and p.e. (laughter) now, happily... (laughter) there is one bright spot in education-- texas. the large hadron collider of denying science. (laughter) now, folks, i have long praised the texas board of education for their valiant work rewriting our nation's history textbooks. but now... (laughter) i believe they've got some stiff competition from the texas g.o.p. who recently put a plank in their 2012 party platform regarding children's education that says-- and i quote-- we oppose the teaching of critical thinking skills. (laughter) amen, brother. for too long we have blindly accepted the idea of not blindly
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accepting ideas you know who i blame? i blame galileo. what a jagoff. (laughter) i mean, for centuries we had a perfectly good explanation for the order of the universe. bible says the sun goes around the earth making us the center of the universe you know what? everyone was happy! for them numb nuts over here get the telescope for christmas, using his precious critical thinking skills and suddenly the earth goes around the sun, blah blah blah, now we have lesbians. (laughter) but folks... (applause) i'm here to tell you now the texas g.o.p. is on to you, critical thinking skills. they know that you "have the purpose of challenging the students' fixed beliefs."
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and a good teacher's job is to maintain whatever fixed beliefs a student has when they enter first grade. (laughter) frankly, folks, i am embarrassed that we conservatives did not think of this sooner! we are fighting a culture war here and we've been thinking too small. sure we've discredited the liberal activism of the '60s and the socialist policies of the new deal and wilsonian progressivism and those damn zippered pantaloons. only a strum pet would need to disrobe with such haste. i say you wear a button fly as god intended. by the final you get your pants off you're probably married. (laughter) all of that is just child play compared to the texas g.o.p. who with this one plank of their platform have called for the
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repeal of the enlightenment and as if to illustrate what's possible once you are freed of the shackles of critical thinking recently the texas g.o.p. when asked about this position explained that it was an oversight and should not have included the words "critical thinking skills." (laughter) now when they were drafting the platform, somebody had to say "no critical thinking skills." somebody else had to type those words and then the texas g.o.p. had to approve those words. do you really think that would have been possible if anyone had been thinking critically? (laughter) but thank god no one was. and if they get their way no one will be. and that's the word. we'll be right back.
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i'm female spirit present. it's the priceline negotiator. >>what? >>sorry. he wants you to know about priceline's new express deals. it's a faster way to get a great hotel deal without bidding. pick one with a pool, a gym, a great guest rating. >>and save big. >>thanks negotiator. wherever you are. ya, no. he's over here. >>in the refrigerator?
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people like options. hat i'm saying is, when you take geico, you can call them anytime you feel like saving money. it don't matter, day or night. use your computer, your smartphone, your tablet, whatever. the point is, you have options. oh, how convenient.
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hey. crab cakes, what are you looking at? geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. folks, folks, regular viewers of this broadcast know that i am the acclaimed author of the 32-page novel "i am a pole and so can you." i mean, there's been a huge success topping the best-seller lists of the "new york times" and amazon! and fulfilling my life long dream of ripping "good night moon" a new one. (laughter)
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in your face, quiet old lady whispering hush. (laughter) but, of course, the question remains is my book a classic. does it occupy the same rarefied air as the "brothers care mat solve." "the great gatsby" or the flaming novel of lust and slavery "dragonard" by rupert gilchrist, author of the "dragonard" saga. of course, any craftsman must stand the test of time. my book has been on sale for ten weeks, time's up. and the literary community has responded with a resounding sure because my book is being displayed at philadelphia's little known rosenbach museum and library. (cheers and applause) i'll take what i can get. (laughter) this is who's honoring me now. (cheers and applause)
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on tonight's episode of who's honoring me now we travel to the rosenbach museum in philadelphia. >> the rosenbach quite simply is one of the greatest collections of rare books and manuscripts anywhere in the world. >> stephen: the curator is responsible for preserving some of history's most invaluable documents. >> these include george washington's earliest surviving letters. >> stephen: interesting. >> we have speeches with abraham lincoln written out by hand. >> nice. what else. >> even napoleon's penis was at one point part of the collection. >> stephen: okay, not technically a document but i am impressed. >> many people would say that the centerpiece of the rosenbach collection is the manuscript to james joyce's "ulysses." >> stephen: yes, "ulysses" the book heralded as the greatest novel of all time by people who have claimed to have read it.
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>> "ulysses" is not just a book, it's a worth of art, its author manipulated the english language in a way no one ever had and no one has since to tell one of the greatest stories in absolutely dazzling fashion. >> stephen: but does it have pictures? >> no, it does not. >> stephen: well, mine does. meet the new ulysses. so what do you say, book guy? >> the rosenbach museum and library is interested in acquiring the manuscript to "i am a pole and so can you" so it can reside directly next to james joyce's "ulysses." (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's right, my manuscript for "i am a pole" beside james joyce's only complete handwritten manuscript for "ulysses." i only wish fwha poleian's penis were alive to see it. want anything else? >> it's always fascinating to see what authors have at their
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disposal or need at their writing table to create something. >> stephen: really. well, in that case i'll give you the naen i wrote to thing with. and the backup pen i had in my pocket in case that one didn't work. >> well, i'm not so sure about a backup pen. >> well, what if i threw in pencil sketches i paid some guy to draw? and that's not all. you'll get the rhyming dictionary i used because i couldn't think of anything that rimed with "pohl." plus, for a limited time only you'll receive what's left over from the turkey sandwich i ate while writing the book and if you act now you'll also get the beer i drank. plus plus the cap. >> i think it's probably going a little far to say a bud light bottle played an important role in the creation of a manuscript. >> trust me, derek, it was instrumental. so congratulations, america. because now my manuscript and all this other crap is officially enshrined in its rightful place side by side with the former greatest book of all
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time. and who wouldn't be happy about that? >> i think joyce would probably be exasperated by seeing any books next to "ulysses" which he thought was the greatest book of all time. but particularly a book that is illustrated and short would just make him very, very mad. >> stephen: (bleep) joyce. >> pretty much right. (laughter) >> stephen: folks, don't forget to stop by and see >> "i am a pole and so can you" at the rosenbach museum from now until later. (laughter) tell napoleon's penis i sent you. we'll be right back.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight is here to play a song from his new album. hey, i think i just rapped! please welcome nas. (cheers and applause) hey, what's up? what's up? all right, good to see you. so good to see you again. it's been five years since you were on here. >> yes, it was. >> stephen: the last time you were here today you arrived on my show you got the colbert bump your album went to number one, (laughter) all right? this new album "life is good" i want this to go to number zero. you got that, senator john kerry
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that's what we're going. do all right? good to see you again. >> good to see you, too. thanks for having me. >> let's talk about you, okay? you're generally considered one of the greatest rappers of all time. (cheers and applause) you're on your tenth album. >> yeah. >> stephen: do rappers retire? >> (laughs) >> stephen: have you thought about law school? (laughter) >> stephen: because you're 38. you don't want to be 75 and rapping about how hard the pudding skin is. do you ever see yourself not doing this? >> no, i love it, you know what i mean? and other genres of music there's guys like mick jagger, keith richards and all those guys, they're going forever. >> those are actually animatronic versions. (laughter) that's the hall of presidents. those guys have been gone for years. "life is good" it's an interesting subject. so i assume that's all about, like, you know the good things
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in like like comfy quilt covers and finding $5 in an old pair of pants. (laughter) wearing a thirsty robe and eating fig newtons and watching reruns of "mad about you" and stuff like that. (laughter) in what way is life good for nas. also, is that short for anything? is it short for nozzle? what is that short for? (laughter) >> life is good because we wake up every morning with life. so the music is not about quilts and fig newtons. (laughter) but.... >> stephen: but that's not good? >> that is good. it's just about life. and just being happy to wake up every morning. >> stephen: okay, now let's talk about... you woke up for many years with someone else. okay? >> yes. >> stephen: on the cover of this album... i'm going to put it back up there in a second. you've got a green dress across your knee. why is that there? whose dress is that? >> that's my ex-wife's dress. part of her dress. >> stephen: part of her dress? why do you have that on your
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album cover? she's no longer your wife. >> well, in the house that we had together when she took her stuff out that part of the dress was in the closet by itself and it bothered me a lot and for some reason i thought about while i was making this album i wanted to talk about the divorce a little bit and it just wound up in there. >> stephen: your ex-wife was calise. >> yeah. >> stephen: there any problem with the fact that her milkshake brought all the boys to the yard. (laughter) s that a problem on any level? (cheers and applause) >> that was just a song. (laughter) >> stephen: will you sing us a few things, or rapster us a few things about the things people go through? >> yes, i will. >> stephen: life is good and it's great to have you here. we'll be right back with a performance by nas. thank you, sir.
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(cheers and applause)
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i'm female spirit present. it's the priceline negotiator. >>what? >>sorry. he wants you to know about priceline's new express deals. it's a faster way to get a great hotel deal without bidding. pick one with a pool, a gym, a great guest rating. >>and save big. >>thanks negotiator. wherever you are. ya, no. he's over here. >>in the refrigerator?
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>> stephen: here to perform "the don" off his new album "life is good" ladies and gentlemen, nas. (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ new york city... (cheers and applause) let's go! ♪ in the new york city, yo, yo, yo. ♪ smoking an escubano, there go my second bottle ♪ ♪ habitual happiness hit you
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with two tecs ♪ rocking roberto cavalli, no shirt on a convertible, my chropl beeiana mommy ride beg side me ♪ every tat mean something ♪ y'all was mad all the years i was getting it in the 97, the six, 98 the bentley, that was the ghost phantom and y'all can't stand 'em. ♪ the don, the don, the don inna new york city, inna new york city, in a new york city ♪ army jacket swag, army act green and black ♪ i never did that, where my stash is at yo, i listen to that red alert and rap attack ♪ i fell in love with all that poetry and mastered that ♪ cutting school with the team the fat cat was not crystal
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clear ♪ now i'm the one who's rapping queens, way beyond your wildest dreams, bottles on bottles with sparklers around my teams ♪ 20 years in this game looking 17, i don't lean no (bleep) i just blow green heavy dv rest in peace gave me the speech to rap ♪ inna new york city, inna new york city let me tell you about where i'm from ♪ ♪ new york is like an island, a big rikers island ♪ the cops be out wilding, all i hear is sirens ♪ keep it on till i see a billion dollars, keep your friends close and your enemies closer ♪ love model chocha mommy pop it like she pose ♪ big time smoker [no audio]
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maybe you should hold up before you end up right, this for every ghetto in the hood, nasty nas, you understood ♪ (cheers and applause) the don, main new york city, inna, no, inna new york city, yo! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: nas, the album is "life is good" the number-zero album in america. good night, everybody. (cheers and applause)xbh@ñ one, two, three, four... announcer: from new york city, comedy central presents:
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(cheers and applause) carol leifer: thank you, thank you very much. good evening. what a great crowd. are you in a great mood? (cheers and applause) terrific. i am in a fantastic mood tonight. i'm wearing a new perfume. hmmm. yeah, that i should recommend actually to the women in the audience. it's called "tester." (laughter) and you know it smells different every time you use it. (laughter) so, how great to be here? i flew in yesterday.
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oh, my god, kennedy airport. what a mess. god-- all over you. and those dopy security questions. "did you receive any gifts from any unknown persons?" (laughter) "buddy, the last thing i got from an unknown person was in the 80s." (laughter) (applause) oh, but, then you ready for this? driving into the city tonight, thank you very much, got pulled over for speeding. but, you know, i did the old... "officer. i don't think someone as big and strong as you wants to give little old me a ticket now, do you?" and she let me go. (cheers and applause)
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